@RobbyActually

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

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@Sophie2078

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

@JuiceboxCA

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

@DannyZuker

Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.

@LaureRapper

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

@wilw

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

@Contwixt

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

@CheryeDavis

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

@FunnyBison

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

@jonnysun

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy