Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
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Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
This makes me crack up every time I see it.