[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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My teenage children choosing violence
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW