@mooseandriosmom My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
@panmidwest [My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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@mooseandriosmom 
@BigJDubz Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
@WhaJoTalkinBout i rescue marijuana from the streets.
@lawyerthoughts Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.
@alexlumaga Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
@kelownagoose If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.
@fabulouscop *man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
@DominicStraw Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
@13spencer [Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
@RdrJay47 Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?