@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

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@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

@WheelTod

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

@KenJennings

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

@Michael_Erhart

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

@dafloydsta

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

@TheHyyyype

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Got a hot date this weekend?

Coworker: Ummm…no.

Me: I know. I was just reminding you.

Coworker….

@Jesssicle

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.