@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

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@BigJDubz

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

@lawyerthoughts

Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.

@alexlumaga

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

@kelownagoose

If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.

@fabulouscop

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

@DominicStraw

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

@13spencer

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?