[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

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Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…


Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food


Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.


Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes


If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.


*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”


Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.



[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.


Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?