@Reverend_Scott
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
@panmidwest
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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@Reverend_Scott
@PleaseBeGneiss
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
@WheelTod
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
@SardonicTart
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
@KenJennings
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
@Michael_Erhart
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
@dafloydsta
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
@TheHyyyype
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
@TheMichaelRock
Me: Got a hot date this weekend?
Coworker: Ummm…no.
Me: I know. I was just reminding you.
Coworker….
@Jesssicle
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.