[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.