I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
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My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
I am now running out of paper towels.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*