@SimplySnaccbar

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

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@causticbob

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

@iamspacegirl

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

@uccjeb

When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.

@Asher_Wolf

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

@McNevich

Her: I like your facial hair

Me: I like YOUR facial hair

(FLIRTING IS HARD)

@behindyourback

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

@iamspacegirl

Ranger Station

BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately

ME: No way

*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*

@DadZZZasleep

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

@dumbbeezie

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.