@IamEnidColeslaw but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
@SimplySnaccbar [My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
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@IamEnidColeslaw 
@causticbob If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
@iamspacegirl me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
@uccjeb When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.
@Asher_Wolf Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
@McNevich Her: I like your facial hair
Me: I like YOUR facial hair
(FLIRTING IS HARD)
@behindyourback If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
@iamspacegirl Ranger Station
BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately
ME: No way
*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*
@DadZZZasleep wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
@dumbbeezie My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.