but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
You Might Also Like
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Her: I like your facial hair
Me: I like YOUR facial hair
(FLIRTING IS HARD)
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately
ME: No way
*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.