@jnapsalot
Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?
@SimplySnaccbar
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
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@jnapsalot
@pakalupapito
lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were
@Parkerlawyer
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
@abuya_henry
What if the “g” in gif was silent.. What gif ?
@lynnbixenspan
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
@BoogTweets
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
@SteveSuckington
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
@Reverend_Scott
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
@mommajessiec
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*