[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

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Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?


lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were


No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”


Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*


If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*