@SimplySnaccbar

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

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@jnapsalot

Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?

@pakalupapito

lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were

@Parkerlawyer

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

@BoogTweets

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@Reverend_Scott

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

@mommajessiec

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*