[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

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I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.


[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND


If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before


Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]


SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]


Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.


I am now running out of paper towels.


I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.


jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg


*in court*
Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*