[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
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Thursday Thought.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
when you are just born a rebel
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My dad is at it again
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol