@LlamaInaTux

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

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@pixelatedboat

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

@KentWGraham

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@LorieGZ

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

@heidi420x

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

@SilenceDogood81

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

@DanMentos

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”


“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

@Gender_Thief

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*