[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
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I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
spot the difference
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.