[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder