(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
You Might Also Like
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
ok hear me out: Luigiana
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law