[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
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“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.