My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!