My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
You Might Also Like
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
this chia pet tastes awful
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
This kid is going places
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…