Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.
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They say smoking marijuana causes memory loss. Well if that’s true, how come I never forget to smoke marijuana? Checkmate.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.