@kumailn

My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.

You Might Also Like

@AmishPornStar1

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

@Ideal_Victoria

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

@Ms_Shazam

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

@batkaren

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

@theoduscrane

I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”

@andrewnotsicko

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

@kwirkyKerri

I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.

@DadZZZasleep

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@beefman138

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”