My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.

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Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.


Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.


“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.


They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:

This fall on CBS


I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”


3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?


I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.


[pearly gates]




Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY


If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”