Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Stick it to the man
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Got him!
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.