My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
FRED: right
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.