My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
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An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Worst Native American name ever.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.