I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
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9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.