the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[boss hands me some work]
ME: Oh no thank you
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail