Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.