@AverageCorners

My garden shed door keeps opening and closing.

Is it the wind? Yes.

Am I going to tell my kids it’s haunted so they stay out? Also yes.

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@MarfSalvador

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

@Grommit56

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

@FU_TangClan

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

@yonewt

Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal

@Fred_Delicious

*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*

@BavlyOlwy

If you love something set it free,unless it’s a lion. Don’t do that.

@ChaseMit

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

@Fred_Delicious

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

@bobsaget

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.