My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching
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I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all