@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching

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@trustedshoe

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

@nachosarah

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

@JessObsess

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

@JosesLovesYou

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

@Eric_Bader

I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

@Henry_3000

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

@Divergentmama

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey