Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
You Might Also Like
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I love the honesty
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.