Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
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fish on cheeseburger we’ll miss you love always
octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]
me: [nodding] helicoptopus
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.