My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

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Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends


octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]

me: [nodding] helicoptopus


Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.


Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”


I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.


Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife


I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.