@mondaypunday

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

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@BlazedDonuts

Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends

@james_comics

octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]

me: [nodding] helicoptopus

@juneohara65

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

@GuyThe_Guy

Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”

@heatherlou_

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

@T_Bonezzz_

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

@avainwordland

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.