My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
dogs can find happiness so easily
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
saw this in a dream
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet