*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared
me: i think I misunderstood the assignment
wife: just read what you have honey
me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U
My ex’s ex and my left hand are dating.