@salazarsboxing

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

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@pinupteacher

*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.

@BrettDruck

Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.

@ambamthankyamam

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

@BuckyIsotope

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

@WhaJoTalkinBout

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

@better_off_dad

CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.

@murrman5

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

@robots_feel

priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared

me: i think I misunderstood the assignment

wife: just read what you have honey

me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U