My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
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*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
The cashier just checked me out.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what