The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
this is the best interaction on twitter
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.