*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
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librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”