@RalphSudafed

My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”

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@DaddyJew

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn and a walking cane suddenly appeared in my hands. So obviously I shook it at them.

@BGH70

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

@momTruthBomb

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

@daemonic3

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

@_SingleBabyMama

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

@rebrafsim

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

@Gupton68

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

@garbagecoven

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.