My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”

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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn and a walking cane suddenly appeared in my hands. So obviously I shook it at them.


Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.


During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!


Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.


MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it


Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date


Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?


Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.


Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…


my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.