My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
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[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.