My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
what’s the point then??
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here