my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
You Might Also Like
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*