Daddy, what’s for dinner?
“did you have cereal for breakfast?”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
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Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl
Mr. Buffalo: And a boy
Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
FREE IPAD FOR ANSWERING A SIMPLE SURVEY.
1) WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
2) DO YOU OWN WEAPONS?
3) WHEN ARE YOU MOST VULNERABLE?
You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.