@Rainbowbunee

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

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@DaddyJew

Daddy, what’s for dinner?

“did you have cereal for breakfast?”

No

“then cereal”

@RobElliottComic

Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl

Me: SWEET!

Mr. Buffalo: And a boy

Me: So, I guess you could say he’s your…

Bi-son

@cpsemple

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

@HenpeckedHal

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

@mommajessiec

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

@TheOneTrueDisco

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

@ActualPerson084

FREE IPAD FOR ANSWERING A SIMPLE SURVEY.
1) WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
2) DO YOU OWN WEAPONS?
3) WHEN ARE YOU MOST VULNERABLE?
#NIGHTOFTHEFREEIPAD

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@iinkedZombie

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.