Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.