My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”