My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
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If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
who did the taste test?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.