My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Wait for it
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer