My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park š
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isnāt.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell āhungry.ā
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
āAnd what do you do?ā
āI play in a bandā
āWhatās the band called? Have I heard of it?ā
āItās called blink-182.ā
āOH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!ā
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Ovenable?
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell āscherenschnitteā.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
This white lady just whispered to her husband āthereās so many Asian peopleā… maām this is a flight to Japan
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: donāt worry. i got half of this
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Santa said I canāt have a pool boy ātil I get a pool. Foiled again.
kids are oblivious to everything but let āem find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i donāt wanna say itās embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Detective: the suspect is described as having āreally lame skateboard tricksā
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. Whatās your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! šš©š„