my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
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IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
also my go-to takeaway order
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.