@ClichedOut
@iGreenMonk
No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
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@iGreenMonk
@ShortSleeveSuit
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
@tastefactory
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
@MattTheBrand
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
@rebrafsim
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
@Camel_Crushin
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
@TheTalkingPipe
The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.
@Holy_Mowgli
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
@rolldiggity
If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”
@LurkAtHomeMom
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?