@ClichedOut

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

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@iGreenMonk

No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

@MattTheBrand

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

@rebrafsim

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

@Camel_Crushin

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

@TheTalkingPipe

The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.

@Holy_Mowgli

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

@rolldiggity

If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?