@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?

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@jergarl

I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.

@Tups13

I’ve discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

@Holy_Mowgli

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

@Dawn_M_

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

@collegeben

friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?

@theSolemnBard

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

@lazerdoov

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat