Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
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Dress for the job you want to sleep at
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.