@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?

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@HenpeckedHal

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

@captainkalvis

Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear

Me: chameleon bears

Therapist: but those don’t even exist

Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know

@ArfMeasures

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

@punmagnate

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

@3_livi

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

@amydillon

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

@notacroc

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

@sixfootcandy

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.