@VerifiedJayy

My gf said “tie me up and do what you want” so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar

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@markleggett

My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.

@JimmerThatisAll

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

@shkeeber

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Unless you work in the alzheimer’s wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.

@TheToddWilliams

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

@Adar79Angie

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

@UnFitz

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

@ThisOneSayz

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

@NoogsCorner

*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*

@donttouchjames

[intermittent fasting]

me: ok this isn’t that bad

[12 hours later]

me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here