My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.
My gf said “tie me up and do what you want” so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar
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The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Unless you work in the alzheimer’s wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*
me: ok this isn’t that bad
[12 hours later]
me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here