I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
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Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.