@BigBagOfScum

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

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@fkabudu

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

@Tarrigan

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

@ItsAndyRyan

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@tomw1984

I’m off work next week so I’m gonna throw this knife at a map, where it lands I go.

*throws knife, misses map.*

Space, I’m going to space

@teddywah

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

@ficklenuts

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

@JayMindX

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

@heidi420x

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid