My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
You Might Also Like
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift