my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
You Might Also Like
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Rooting for the overdog
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!