@slimmy_shady

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

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@thejoelstein

4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”

@LaurenRP

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

@BGH70

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

@Heather2Go

Ironman is my favorite story about how sleep deprivation can make you a sarcastic, neurotic superhero without being a parent.

@RobocopLust

A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.

@mommy_cusses

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.