My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

So I sent it to Seattle.

Women make no sense some days.

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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.


[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”


Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.


If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.


Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet


My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place


Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.


Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.


Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me


*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*