TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.
So I sent it to Seattle.
Women make no sense some days.
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Me: now lets do a silly one
[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”