@Douchekevin

My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

So I sent it to Seattle.

Women make no sense some days.

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@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

@BuckyIsotope

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

@WheelTod

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

@OakHill_

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

@DanMentos

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”


“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

@Chumpstring

[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”