@Douchekevin

My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

So I sent it to Seattle.

Women make no sense some days.

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@AKcrazy18

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

@EJGomez

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

@gagging

If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.

@NicestHippo

Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet

@tdug

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

@RandomManik

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb.

Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

@audipenny

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*