My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
necessity is the mother of invention