All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
screw you
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
The pasta is now
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before