I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.