My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her

She’s my Taco Belle

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Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now


The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.


if you get killed while you have to pee your ghost will have to pee but it can’t


I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:

I can’t afford HBO.


Life Tip:

Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.


*goes to Australia
*sees hot girl
*asks if she wants to be my first mate
*winks forever
*gets punched down under


At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die


Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon


Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you