Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her
She’s my Taco Belle
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Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery
Me: *gestures at kid* Well?
Wife: i meant the hamster
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
The inventor of Pringles: what if we combined the best part of playing tennis with the best part of not playing tennis
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.