@TheIronSherk

My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her

She’s my Taco Belle

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@markedly

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

@Parker_Simpson

I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory

@LizHackett

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

@Dawn_M_

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

@sonictyrant

Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery

[Later]

Me: *gestures at kid* Well?

Wife: i meant the hamster

@capnwatsisname

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

@portmanteauface

The inventor of Pringles: what if we combined the best part of playing tennis with the best part of not playing tennis

@jordan_stratton

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri