Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her
She’s my Taco Belle
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
if you get killed while you have to pee your ghost will have to pee but it can’t
Ramen again? This guy’s a mess.
-mice in my kitchen
I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:
I can’t afford HBO.
Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.
*goes to Australia
*sees hot girl
*asks if she wants to be my first mate
*gets punched down under
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*