When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her
She’s my Taco Belle
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You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Me filling my cart with Hershey’s with Almonds.
Friend: Don’t your kids have nut allergies?
Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Plastic dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs.
*I open my McDonald’s bag and a bunch of dirty pigeons fly out*
Narrator: The McPigeon, new from McDonald’s
Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*