@Sal0630

My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.

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@FrenulumBreve

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

@copymama

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

@theDapperilla

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

@BestScienceJoke

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

@TheTrueCam

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@Social_Mime

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

@jasonroeder

Next time a conspiracy theorist says, “That’s what they want you to think,” say, “No, but that’s what they wanted you to tell me.”

@portmanteauface

bathroom

– crude
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub

lavatory

– sophisticated
– continental
– may contain lava?

@kwirkyKerri

I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.