“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.
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My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one
Mouth: Haven gice done
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, “That’s what they want you to think,” say, “No, but that’s what they wanted you to tell me.”
– played out
– may not even contain a bathtub
– may contain lava?
I don’t have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn’t knocked up.