3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Pretty much! 😂👀
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.