My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the