On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
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I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
so i’m at the stock market right
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.