My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.

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Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.


How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?


I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.


Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.


Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.


parents: you were such a smart kid what happened??!?
me: your child died and was replaced by a lookalike; a conspiracy theory thread


[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.


– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton


What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.


Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”