Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober
~no country song ever.
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How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
parents: you were such a smart kid what happened??!?
me: your child died and was replaced by a lookalike; a conspiracy theory thread
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*squishes it with shoe*
Me: Not that one.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slowest swimmer.
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”