My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father