genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.